Vitriol and observations from an extremely angry little man.

Wednesday, December 30, 2009

And that no man might buy or sell, save he that had the mark, or the name of the beast, or the number of his name.


Recently spied at Target. Click to enlarge.






Is Hasbro innocently keeping up with the times, or are they colluding with the Antichrist to indoctrinate your children into the use of a paperless money system?


Remember, the road to Hell is paved with easy credit terms.



Monday, December 21, 2009

Life in the Fast Lane

I saw this monstrosity earlier today, in Daly City, California:



There is sooooo much wrong here...



But I find this little detail to be the most amusing:



Just so you'll have some frame of reference, this is what the car, a Mazda MX-6, would have looked like prior to falling into the hands of the aesthete who "upgraded" it:




What's wrong with this picture?



Recently found on a wall at San Francisco General Hospital. Click to enlarge.


You will be paid $15 for one hour of...?

Don't worry if you can't read. You'll fit right in!

Shouldn't this be a given?



Recently found on the floor at San Francisco General Hospital.

Friday, December 4, 2009

Mixed Message



(Recently spied on the front door of a former Christian Science Reading Room on Clement Street in San Francisco.)

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

Are You Ready?



(From the 2 December 2009 installment of Dick Tracy.)

Monday, November 30, 2009

Saturday, November 28, 2009

Pig On Wheels





Thanks, Marguerite M, for that last pic!

Wear It. Flirt It. Flaunt It.

Recently spied in a San Francisco beauty store.

(Click to enlarge.)








The employees were giving me really weird looks as I took these pictures. Had I spent another minute doing so, they would have probably called the police.


Simpletons.

Monday, November 23, 2009

Advertising Sign Repurposed, Redux

I've quite recently told you about how I like to hijack the advertising signs which some unscrupulous parasites use to blight our communities. Here's another one.

A few years ago, the following obnoxious signs sprouted all up and down the entire length of Dolores Street in San Francisco, on every single street corner:



Being a good citizen, I naturally uprooted as many of them as I possibly could and stashed them in my home for future use in various art projects. Today I happened to have some time to kill, so I returned one of these signs to its original Dolores Street habitat. As you can see, I've replaced the original message with something funny:



Here's an awful video of a much earlier attempt to modify the same signs:

Got Cock?


And here's a better video, again detailing my sign-hijacking antics:

I Will Protect the Unspoiled Maidenhead of Dublin

Sunday, November 22, 2009

"Continue reading after the jump!"

Of the many Internet phrases I've grown to despise, "Continue reading after the jump" is right at the top of my very long list.

ATTENTION ALL BLOGGERS AND WEB JOURNALISTS:

It is completely unnecessary for you to ever use this phrase! Web pages have been around for a few years now, and most readers do grasp the concept of having to scroll down in order to see the rest of the article.


More after the jump!





And who the Hell decided that a picture or banner ad interrupting the text should be universally referred to as a "jump" anyway? There's no jumping taking place; it's just a damned picture on a page!

Seriously. It makes me sick to see the way all you lemming-like people on the Internet unquestioningly adopt and use such meaningless phrases. You're destroying our language and culture, and you're too stupid to even notice or care.

Fight Censureship!

Recently, somebody on Yahoo Answers asked the question,

"Where should I go in New York?"


To which one wag responded,

"Are you a girl?
my house....
Are you not?
I don't give a s.h.i.t
ps. i hate writing this way, because of the f.u.c.k.i.n.g yahoo censure [SIC], who they think they are to censure [SIC] us this way? what they think this is, a tyranny system?"






Which, in a recent Web discussion, prompted B.L. Holliday to say,
"I want a 'What they think this is, a tyranny system?' bumper sticker."


I don't have a bumper sticker for you (yet) but I did manage to whip up this handy jpeg. Post it everywhere to show that you're opposed to censureship!



Thanks Liam, for bringing the original Yahoo post to our attention!

Friday, November 20, 2009

Craigslist Advertisement

SPAM recipients sought ASAP!!! (Your in-box)


Date: 2009-11-20, 3:16AM PST


Please, I need you to reply to this post immediately! I have a smallish mailing list, and I'm trying to build it up to a reasonably sized one so I can sell the addresses and get some big bucks from Web marketers doing mass mailing campaigns for useful products such as Viagra, Cialis, and the Acai Berry Diet. So please, reply to this message, and also ask all your friends to reply! I really need your e-mail address, and it will help me out enormously! Thank you in advance.

  • Location: Your in-box
  • it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

Thursday, November 19, 2009

Advertising Sign Repurposed

You've surely seen the obnoxious little advertising signs which some entrepreneurs use to deface our communities. They can be found alongside freeway on and off-ramps, sidewalks, or medians that have patches of grass or dirt on them. Advertising makes our world an uglier place, and these signs are a blight. Therefore, whenever I see them, I remove the nasty things and throw them in the trunk of my car.

Here's one in particular which I found especially galling:

(Click photos to enlarge)




"Go green!" It says. Not only were trees chopped down to make this sign, but the material is laminated in such a way that the paper can never be recycled. These greedy assholes are reducing the standard of living for everybody with their litter-disguised-as-advertising, which will ultimately end up in a landfill.

I thought about obscuring their phone number so as to make sure I'm not helping them in anyway, but I've changed my mind. PLEASE call their toll-free number and pretend you're interested in their bullshit pyramid scheme. Waste as much of their time as you possibly can, string them along, and then let them know how you feel about their selfish, illegal advertising practices. Tell 'em I sent you.

Now then, as long as these things exist, and as long as they can't be recycled, creative people like me will naturally want to get out our Sharpies and transform them into something more meaningful:



I left this beauty planted right in the heart of San Francisco's Noe Valley, a once-great neighborhood which has been ruined by yuppie gentrification and is now completely over-run with idiots who meander up and down 24th Street pushing those thousand-dollar baby strollers that are designed to be pushed by joggers. I hate these people with all of my heart, and I want them all to stop reproducing.



"But wait a minute," you ask, "isn't it a bit hypocritical of you to rant and rave about crooked advertisers spoiling the aesthetics of our communities and then turn around and do the exact, same thing? Do you think that because you're a prankster/artist that somehow makes it OK?"

Shut up.







V for Vandetta!



Wednesday, November 18, 2009

I have arrived!



(Click to enlarge.)

http://dilbert.com/mashups/punchline/75325/



Thank you, Goblyn Dick!




Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Convo

I really fucking hate the word "convo." If you can't be troubled to say, or spell out, the word "conversation," you probably shouldn't be having a "convo" in the first place.

Sunday, November 15, 2009

Oh, HELL YEAH!

Look at who used my submission:


LookAtThisFuckingTeabagger.com

Friday, November 13, 2009

Skater Heartbreaker

I'm currently driving a rental car. Earlier today, my friend Dani found the following gem underneath one of the seats:



(click to enlarge)



Thursday, November 12, 2009

Craigslist Ad

http://sfbay.craigslist.org/sfc/rnr/1462409624.html



Join the Invisible Infantry! (Your Computer)



Date: 2009-11-12, 3:55AM PST


There are tons of scams out there which suggest that you can make money in your sleep by participating in various Internet business opportunities. They are, of course, complete frauds. The good news, however, is that I've devised, and am currently implementing, a plan which really does allow you to earn actual money while doing absolutely nothing. Your computer does all the work for you, and you get paid via PayPal or a money order mailed directly to your home every two weeks.

How is this possible? Well, I need as many people as possible to join my volunteer computer army!

Here's how it works:

You've no-doubt heard of "bot-nets," which are vast webs of PCs which have been infected by viruses which cause zombie-like activity. The infected PCs routinely, secretly "phone home" to the hackers who wrote the viruses, providing said hackers with "situation reports," receiving new "marching orders" from their hacker commanders, and passing on those orders to other computers in the bot-net. All of this happens invisibly. The bot-nets are then used for such things as distributed denial of service attacks, "phishing" schemes, mass e-mail marketing campaigns, and other enormously profitable activities. Think of all the computers in a botnet as being members of a vast mercenary army, and the hackers as the army's supreme commanders.

Naturally, the owners of these computers don't get one dime from this arrangement, and never agreed to it. It's as if they, and their computers, have been conscripted against their will, with no military benefits, no opportunity for promotion, and no chance to better themselves.

The bad news is that if you're using a PC on the Internet (and you obviously are, otherwise you wouldn't be reading this ad), it is completely inevitable that you will eventually be forced to join a bot-net army. Think of your computer as an able-bodied, 18 year old man during a time of war, back in the days when they still drafted people.

As many veterans will tell you, instead of just waiting around for your number to come up, it's much better to volunteer, and have the opportunity to go in as an officer.

That's where I come in.

Think of me as an army recruiter, only slightly more honest.

You volunteer for my army by agreeing to install a very small software program on your computer. Don't worry if you've never installed software before: It's a simple matter of me sending you an e-mail. You open the e-mail, and the software installs itself. Once this is done, you'll notice no change in your PC's performance or behavior. However, while you're going about your business, cruising the Web, playing solitaire, using AOL to send pictures to your grandchildren, or even sleeping, your computer will be quietly earning you money in the background by participating in my bot-net campaigns.

Rest assured there is no danger to you, as all activity goes through a proxy server which ensures your complete anonymity and protects you from the authorities. In a worst-case scenario, if law enforcement ever did look at your computer (and I guarantee they won't), it would just look to them like you were another innocent, clueless "conscript" whose PC had been involuntarily "drafted" without your knowledge!

What are the benefits to serving in my army?

First of all, you will be completely protected from viruses and Trojan horses. My software finds, eliminates, and guards against malicious software that might attempt to enslave your computer, because I don't like competition, and I certainly don't want my soldiers participating in somebody else's campaign!

Secondly, you get actual MONEY! Unlike those poor draftees who enter service as a private, your PC will start off as an "officer," and will quickly begin recruiting other PCs, which it will command. The more PCs your computer commands, the more cold, hard cash I'll be sending you on a regular basis!

OK, I'll actually be PayPalling you or sending you money orders, but you know what I mean.

So please do yourself a favor and join up today!

(Please note that this business offer is only available on PCs running the Microsoft Windows operating system. This offer may not be combined with any other coupon or Web promotion. Void where prohibited.)

  • Location: Your Computer
  • it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

Monday, November 9, 2009

He's Funny! He's Dead! He's the FUNNY DEAD DUCK!!!




Funny Dead Duck is purely for decorative purposes and is not a toy.
Funny Dead Duck should not be loaded into, or fired from, blunderbuss,
arquebus, or Pig On Wheels.




Sunday, November 8, 2009

Thank you for contacting us regarding your problem, which we won't be helping you with.


Dear MR BRENDAN

Thank you for contacting Panasonic.

We do regret to hear that your product is not operating properly.

Based on the information you have provided, we recommend having the
product checked by an authorized Panasonic service center.

You can visit the following address to find the authorized service
facility in your area.

http://www.pasc.panasonic.com/WhereTo/FindServicer.asp?Pass=1

We hope this information is helpful to you.

Thank You,
Panasonic Consumer Support










Dear Sir or Madam,


It is obvious that NOBODY ON YOUR END BOTHERED TO READ MY PREVIOUS MESSAGE! How do I know this? Well, in my previous message, I specifically stated that I'd attempted to use your Web site to find a Panasonic service center in my area, but that I'd been unable to do so because your site returned the following error message:

"Microsoft VBScript runtime error '800a01f4'

Variable is undefined: 'blnJSWritten'

/WhereTo/SvcrLocFns.asp, line 631
"

So you reply back to me telling me you're sorry my Panasonic product is not working, and you recommend taking it to a Panasonic service center. And then you give me a link to the same, exact Panasonic page which I just told you IS NOT WORKING!

And guess what? IT'S STILL NOT WORKING!

I know this because I just tried again to find a Panasonic service center in my area and got the same error message listed above and listed in my previous message to you.

IF I TYPE IN ALL CAPITAL LETTERS AND USE KEYWORDS SUCH AS "ANGRY" AND "FUCK," IS THERE SOME HOPE THAT THE ALGORITHM READING THIS WILL FLAG MY MESSAGE FOR ATTENTION BY AN ACTUAL HUMAN BEING WHO WILL TAKE THE TIME TO READ MY MESSAGE?

I certainly hope so, but I am not optimistic. To re-state my original problem, in case you're not smart enough to find that message:

I have a Panasonic PV-GS320 camcorder. It needs to be serviced. I live in the San Francisco Bay Area. My zip code is 94044. Kindly direct me to a service center in my area.

Sincerely,

Brendan


UPDATE!

10 November 2009:

Dear MR BRENDAN

Thank you for contacting Panasonic.

Based on the information you have provided, we recommend having the
product checked by an authorized Panasonic service center.

You can visit the following authorized service facility in your area.

DIGITAL SERVICE SOLUTIONS
1155 TRITON DR STE B
FOSTER CITY
CA 94404
650-341-2161

PANASONIC CAMERA AND DIGITAL S
800-211-7262
1590 TOUHY AVE
ELK GROVE VILLAGE
IL 60007

We hope this information is helpful to you.

Thank You,
Panasonic Consumer Support




Dear Sir or Madam,

I am pleasantly surprised to see that in your most recent communique, you have actually provided me with useful information. Did somebody on your end accidently read and comprehend my previous message to you?

Well anyway, it is enormously helpful that you've provided me with the names, addresses, and phone numbers of two authorized Panasonic service centers. The one in Foster City is less than a half-hour's drive from my home, and I think I shall bring my camcorder to them!

I have chosen that facility, because the other one you listed, the one that's in Elk Grove Village, IL, is more than two thousand miles from my home. According to Mapquest, I could make it there in 31.5 hours, but I fear the gasoline cost would be prohibitive.

Plus, I'm sure your service center will need my camcorder for at least a day or two, if not longer, so there's the cost of a hotel stay to consider.

And then, of course, I'd have to figure on another 31.5 hours to drive back home.

Plus there would be wear and tear and depreciation on my car.

So really, of the two options you've given me, I think you'll agree that the Foster City facility is the one I should choose.

Unless...

Do you know something I don't?

Are you subtly trying to tell me that the folks at your Foster City repair center are just as clueless as the algorithms answering your e-mails?

If you're implying that the service in Foster City is so bad that I'm better off driving to Illinois than dealing with them, well, I guess that's something I'll have to think about before I make up my mind for sure where I'm going to go.

Darn.

I really do appreciate the "heads up," but...

I just wish things didn't always have to be so complicated.

Many Thanks,

Brendan


Casual Encounters

Thursday, November 5, 2009

Need a manicure?

Recently spied in San Francisco.






So Your Son's Into in the Leather Scene?




But he's not old enough to grow facial hair of his own?







Gotchya covered right here, and for only twenty five cents!







I am reminded of those tee-shirts and bumper-stickers you used to see back in the 1970s which said, "Free Mustache Rides!"


UPDATE!

11 November 2009:











Audio Surveillance?



Yes, this is a locked liquor cabinet! Explain to me please, why Loss Prevention would want to listen to it. And let's not even talk about the use of extraneous quotation marks.

Don't Be Trippin'!


Monday, November 2, 2009

Who You Gonna Call? The Pig On Wheels!!!

I drew this in about five minutes, using a very thick Sharpie. It will only make sense to you if you're currently following the Dick Tracy comic strip.




(For those not discerning enough to be Dick Tracy followers, the Pig on Wheels is a recurring character, of whom the fans keep clamoring for more. Despite this, he receives precious little on-screen time, and remains shrouded in mystery. Kind of like Boba Fett before Lucas let those buffoons feed him to the Sarlacc.)



Monday, October 26, 2009

Cell Phone, circa 1910

Author, journalist and renegade historian Steve Bartholomew has shared with me the following antiquarian book scans, which depict a working prototype for an early Twentieth Century wireless phone. He writes,
The pictures are from "Wireless Telegraphy & Telephony," pub. 1910. There's a dedication to Nicola Tesla, with a picture of his wireless power generating station. I think the book is an actual collector's item. I originally purchased it for 50 cents, long before you were born.




The device was designed to be worn, rather than carried, and apparently worked more like a two-way radio than a true "telephone" as we now understand the term.

This prototype did, however, exist in an era when communities shared "party lines" on which neighbors could eavesdrop simply by picking up their ear pieces and quietly listening. In light of that, it's fair to say the De Forest wireless telephone was not at all out of step with telephony standards of its day.




Followers