Kraptastrophe

Missed Connections ad dramatized

2010-12-08T01:08:00.000-08:00

This is all kindsa brilliant:

- Watch more brilliance on Melissa Center's YouTube channel.

Damage Control

2010-11-22T21:09:00.000-08:00

Please click each individual Yelp Talk post to enlarge for optimal readability.

Caspar's Stepson Apologizes

The Angry Business Owner vs. Princess Butt

2010-11-22T20:24:00.001-08:00

Please click each individual Yelp Talk post to enlarge for optimal readability.

Recently spied in Morro Bay, California

2010-11-19T01:49:00.000-08:00

Burly Bruce's Load Lasts Forever

2010-09-03T12:58:00.000-07:00

Recently spied on the Internet

(Click image to enlarge!)

Ass Hymond

2010-08-03T17:14:00.000-07:00

Please click each talk forum post to enlarge for maximum readability.

And Now for Something Completely Different

2010-07-04T03:33:00.000-07:00

Here is my new blog:

Chevron Shills

Subscribe to it, "follow" it, comment on it, and you will make me very happy.

Internet Troll

2010-05-10T00:41:00.001-07:00

Please click each screen shot to enlarge.

Better yet, please refer to the following picture album, where these screen shots will be much more readable:

http://s81.photobucket.com/albums/j223/flightsuit/Troll/

The Pig On Wheels Can Not Be Stopped!

2010-05-04T18:13:00.000-07:00

I spent all day trying to stay awake during some of the most dreadfully boring workplace training that you can possibly imagine. In order to stave off the inevitable mental breakdown, I took refuge in my doodles. Here’s one of the items I sketched while I was supposed to be paying attention and taking notes:

My Worst Dick Tracy Parody Yet

2010-04-29T04:24:00.001-07:00

(Click image to enlarge.)

It's like I'm not even trying.

Must Be From a Weirdo!

2010-04-11T22:33:00.001-07:00

Please click to enlarge

There Are Things You Can't Un-See

2010-04-03T18:42:00.000-07:00

Recently spied in Pacifica, California:

Buried somewhere underneath all that crap is a fifth generation Honda Accord. This is what it would have looked like prior to being defaced by its current owner:

If you know of a minor who's being abused, you can call Child Protective Services. I think these pictures argue strongly for the creation of a Car Protective Services agency.

My Video Tribute to the Horror of Dick Tracy

2010-04-01T03:04:00.000-07:00

My Froggy Fame and Glory Continue to Grow!

2010-03-28T17:26:00.000-07:00

Yet again the world-famous Frog Blog has included some small contribution from me! Check it out:

Frog Blog Recordings

Sponge Bob Star-Of-David Pants

2010-03-25T20:44:00.000-07:00

Bitten by a radioactive gefilte fish, Hyman Silverstein became...

Dreidel Man!

Passover Bag of Plagues

2010-03-24T01:34:00.000-07:00

You don't fuck with G-d!

Click to enlarge

Floom!

2010-03-22T19:10:00.000-07:00

This will only make sense if you've been following the "Virgil Ohso" story arc of the daily Dick Tracy comic strip.

The Collected Works of Cuthbert

2010-03-22T09:13:00.000-07:00

As always, please click to enlarge.

King Kong vs. Frog Blog!

2010-03-16T00:19:00.000-07:00

Yesterday an image from the 1967 Toho classic, King Kong Escapes appeared on the world-famous Frog Blog. Being an insufferable Japanese monster fanatic, I commented about this photo on the GoComics.com page for the comic strip Frog Applause. Just moments ago, I am proud to say that the team of artists and writers responsible for Frog Blog updated that blog entry with a screen shot of my post and a still from 1962's King Kong vs. Godzilla to illustrate the point I was making.

Check it out:

Frog Blog: King Kong Escapes

If I accomplish nothing else in my life, at least I have done this.

PS: Go here to enjoy the trailer for King Kong Escapes:

BetterStream.com

Jalopnik Used My Story Idea!!!!

2010-03-04T13:08:00.001-08:00

I am very pleased to say that the automotive site Jalopnik has used a tip which I submitted to them and written the following cool article:

Sega Rally Fan Turns Car Into Videogame Star

Worst Online Car Ad Contest

2010-02-01T00:50:00.000-08:00

I'm proud to report that my entry is one of the finalists in the following contest:

You Pick The Winner Of The Worst Online Car Listing Contest!

Mine is entry number two. Be sure to click "full size" so you'll be able to actually read it!

Gringo Kraptastrophe!

2010-01-07T05:58:00.001-08:00

It has come to my attention that a Brazilian Web site called News Errado has republished one of my previous blog entries! Check it out:

News Errado

Either Google's translation tool leaves something to be desired, or they're calling me a gringo!

Which is fine. You can pretty much call me anything you want as long as you include a link to my blog.

;-)

Badge Engineering

2010-01-06T11:36:00.000-08:00

Recently spied in San Francisco:

At first glance, this Scion XB in BMW clothes would appear to be the epitome of rice: A cheap, Japanese car festooned with badges and styling elements from a much more prestigious, better-performing make and/or model.

However, I have to give this car's owner some credit, because it appears to be more of a rolling sight gag than an attempt to disingenuously elevate the status of the vehicle or its driver. In fact, it is a rather well-executed gag. Any fool can glue a BMW badge to a Scion, but who takes the time, or has the skill, to retrofit the twin-kidney BMW grille, or to acquire genuine BMW rims and make sure they fit properly?

I do find it curious that this car's front end wears a Mini emblem, whereas the rear carries the badge of an entirely different model, the 2.5ix.

The Mini badge is interesting in that Mini is actually a separate marque owned by BMW, as opposed to being simply a BMW model. But never mind. The overall effect is rather whimsical. Unlike so many of the customized look-at-me cars out there, here's one that doesn't take itself too seriously. I like that.

And that no man might buy or sell, save he that had the mark, or the name of the beast, or the number of his name.

2009-12-30T08:02:00.000-08:00

Recently spied at Target. Click to enlarge.

Is Hasbro innocently keeping up with the times, or are they colluding with the Antichrist to indoctrinate your children into the use of a paperless money system?

Remember, the road to Hell is paved with easy credit terms.

Life in the Fast Lane

2009-12-21T23:29:00.000-08:00

I saw this monstrosity earlier today, in Daly City, California:

There is sooooo much wrong here...

But I find this little detail to be the most amusing:

Just so you'll have some frame of reference, this is what the car, a Mazda MX-6, would have looked like prior to falling into the hands of the aesthete who "upgraded" it:

What's wrong with this picture?

2009-12-21T23:21:00.001-08:00

Recently found on a wall at San Francisco General Hospital. Click to enlarge.

You will be paid $15 for one hour of...?

Don't worry if you can't read. You'll fit right in!

Shouldn't this be a given?

2009-12-21T23:15:00.000-08:00

Recently found on the floor at San Francisco General Hospital.

Practice, practice, practice!

2009-12-08T18:05:00.001-08:00

What is the sound of one oxymoron clapping?

2009-12-08T14:16:00.000-08:00

Recently spied in San Francisco.

Mixed Message

2009-12-04T23:38:00.000-08:00

(Recently spied on the front door of a former Christian Science Reading Room on Clement Street in San Francisco.)

Are You Ready?

2009-12-02T00:19:00.001-08:00

(From the 2 December 2009 installment of Dick Tracy.)

Party Zone

2009-11-30T21:32:00.001-08:00

Pig On Wheels

2009-11-28T20:54:00.001-08:00

Thanks, Marguerite M, for that last pic!

Wear It. Flirt It. Flaunt It.

2009-11-28T19:48:00.001-08:00

Recently spied in a San Francisco beauty store.

(Click to enlarge.)

The employees were giving me really weird looks as I took these pictures. Had I spent another minute doing so, they would have probably called the police.

Simpletons.

Advertising Sign Repurposed, Redux

2009-11-23T16:40:00.000-08:00

I've quite recently told you about how I like to hijack the advertising signs which some unscrupulous parasites use to blight our communities. Here's another one.

A few years ago, the following obnoxious signs sprouted all up and down the entire length of Dolores Street in San Francisco, on every single street corner:

Being a good citizen, I naturally uprooted as many of them as I possibly could and stashed them in my home for future use in various art projects. Today I happened to have some time to kill, so I returned one of these signs to its original Dolores Street habitat. As you can see, I've replaced the original message with something funny:

Here's an awful video of a much earlier attempt to modify the same signs:

Got Cock?

And here's a better video, again detailing my sign-hijacking antics:

I Will Protect the Unspoiled Maidenhead of Dublin

"Continue reading after the jump!"

2009-11-22T11:12:00.000-08:00

Of the many Internet phrases I've grown to despise, "Continue reading after the jump" is right at the top of my very long list.

ATTENTION ALL BLOGGERS AND WEB JOURNALISTS:

It is completely unnecessary for you to ever use this phrase! Web pages have been around for a few years now, and most readers do grasp the concept of having to scroll down in order to see the rest of the article.

More after the jump!

And who the Hell decided that a picture or banner ad interrupting the text should be universally referred to as a "jump" anyway? There's no jumping taking place; it's just a damned picture on a page!

Seriously. It makes me sick to see the way all you lemming-like people on the Internet unquestioningly adopt and use such meaningless phrases. You're destroying our language and culture, and you're too stupid to even notice or care.

Fight Censureship!

2009-11-22T08:12:00.000-08:00

Recently, somebody on Yahoo Answers asked the question,

"Where should I go in New York?"

To which one wag responded,

"Are you a girl?
my house....
Are you not?
I don't give a s.h.i.t
ps. i hate writing this way, because of the f.u.c.k.i.n.g yahoo censure [SIC], who they think they are to censure [SIC] us this way? what they think this is, a tyranny system?"

Which, in a recent Web discussion, prompted B.L. Holliday to say,

"I want a 'What they think this is, a tyranny system?' bumper sticker."

I don't have a bumper sticker for you (yet) but I did manage to whip up this handy jpeg. Post it everywhere to show that you're opposed to censureship!

Thanks Liam, for bringing the original Yahoo post to our attention!

Craigslist Advertisement

2009-11-20T03:23:00.000-08:00

SPAM recipients sought ASAP!!! (Your in-box)

Date: 2009-11-20, 3:16AM PST

Please, I need you to reply to this post immediately! I have a smallish mailing list, and I'm trying to build it up to a reasonably sized one so I can sell the addresses and get some big bucks from Web marketers doing mass mailing campaigns for useful products such as Viagra, Cialis, and the Acai Berry Diet. So please, reply to this message, and also ask all your friends to reply! I really need your e-mail address, and it will help me out enormously! Thank you in advance.

Location: Your in-box
it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

Advertising Sign Repurposed

2009-11-19T03:19:00.000-08:00

You've surely seen the obnoxious little advertising signs which some entrepreneurs use to deface our communities. They can be found alongside freeway on and off-ramps, sidewalks, or medians that have patches of grass or dirt on them. Advertising makes our world an uglier place, and these signs are a blight. Therefore, whenever I see them, I remove the nasty things and throw them in the trunk of my car.

Here's one in particular which I found especially galling:

(Click photos to enlarge)

"Go green!" It says. Not only were trees chopped down to make this sign, but the material is laminated in such a way that the paper can never be recycled. These greedy assholes are reducing the standard of living for everybody with their litter-disguised-as-advertising, which will ultimately end up in a landfill.

I thought about obscuring their phone number so as to make sure I'm not helping them in anyway, but I've changed my mind. PLEASE call their toll-free number and pretend you're interested in their bullshit pyramid scheme. Waste as much of their time as you possibly can, string them along, and then let them know how you feel about their selfish, illegal advertising practices. Tell 'em I sent you.

Now then, as long as these things exist, and as long as they can't be recycled, creative people like me will naturally want to get out our Sharpies and transform them into something more meaningful:

I left this beauty planted right in the heart of San Francisco's Noe Valley, a once-great neighborhood which has been ruined by yuppie gentrification and is now completely over-run with idiots who meander up and down 24th Street pushing those thousand-dollar baby strollers that are designed to be pushed by joggers. I hate these people with all of my heart, and I want them all to stop reproducing.

"But wait a minute," you ask, "isn't it a bit hypocritical of you to rant and rave about crooked advertisers spoiling the aesthetics of our communities and then turn around and do the exact, same thing? Do you think that because you're a prankster/artist that somehow makes it OK?"

Shut up.

V for Vandetta!

2009-11-19T01:18:00.000-08:00

I have arrived!

2009-11-18T00:47:00.001-08:00

(Click to enlarge.)

http://dilbert.com/mashups/punchline/75325/

Thank you, Goblyn Dick!

Convo

2009-11-17T01:50:00.000-08:00

I really fucking hate the word "convo." If you can't be troubled to say, or spell out, the word "conversation," you probably shouldn't be having a "convo" in the first place.

Oh, HELL YEAH!

2009-11-15T22:15:00.000-08:00

Look at who used my submission:

LookAtThisFuckingTeabagger.com

Skater Heartbreaker

2009-11-13T21:13:00.000-08:00

I'm currently driving a rental car. Earlier today, my friend Dani found the following gem underneath one of the seats:

(click to enlarge)

Craigslist Ad

2009-11-12T06:02:00.000-08:00

http://sfbay.craigslist.org/sfc/rnr/1462409624.html

Join the Invisible Infantry! (Your Computer)

Date: 2009-11-12, 3:55AM PST

There are tons of scams out there which suggest that you can make money in your sleep by participating in various Internet business opportunities. They are, of course, complete frauds. The good news, however, is that I've devised, and am currently implementing, a plan which really does allow you to earn actual money while doing absolutely nothing. Your computer does all the work for you, and you get paid via PayPal or a money order mailed directly to your home every two weeks.

How is this possible? Well, I need as many people as possible to join my volunteer computer army!

Here's how it works:

You've no-doubt heard of "bot-nets," which are vast webs of PCs which have been infected by viruses which cause zombie-like activity. The infected PCs routinely, secretly "phone home" to the hackers who wrote the viruses, providing said hackers with "situation reports," receiving new "marching orders" from their hacker commanders, and passing on those orders to other computers in the bot-net. All of this happens invisibly. The bot-nets are then used for such things as distributed denial of service attacks, "phishing" schemes, mass e-mail marketing campaigns, and other enormously profitable activities. Think of all the computers in a botnet as being members of a vast mercenary army, and the hackers as the army's supreme commanders.

Naturally, the owners of these computers don't get one dime from this arrangement, and never agreed to it. It's as if they, and their computers, have been conscripted against their will, with no military benefits, no opportunity for promotion, and no chance to better themselves.

The bad news is that if you're using a PC on the Internet (and you obviously are, otherwise you wouldn't be reading this ad), it is completely inevitable that you will eventually be forced to join a bot-net army. Think of your computer as an able-bodied, 18 year old man during a time of war, back in the days when they still drafted people.

As many veterans will tell you, instead of just waiting around for your number to come up, it's much better to volunteer, and have the opportunity to go in as an officer.

That's where I come in.

Think of me as an army recruiter, only slightly more honest.

You volunteer for my army by agreeing to install a very small software program on your computer. Don't worry if you've never installed software before: It's a simple matter of me sending you an e-mail. You open the e-mail, and the software installs itself. Once this is done, you'll notice no change in your PC's performance or behavior. However, while you're going about your business, cruising the Web, playing solitaire, using AOL to send pictures to your grandchildren, or even sleeping, your computer will be quietly earning you money in the background by participating in my bot-net campaigns.

Rest assured there is no danger to you, as all activity goes through a proxy server which ensures your complete anonymity and protects you from the authorities. In a worst-case scenario, if law enforcement ever did look at your computer (and I guarantee they won't), it would just look to them like you were another innocent, clueless "conscript" whose PC had been involuntarily "drafted" without your knowledge!

What are the benefits to serving in my army?

First of all, you will be completely protected from viruses and Trojan horses. My software finds, eliminates, and guards against malicious software that might attempt to enslave your computer, because I don't like competition, and I certainly don't want my soldiers participating in somebody else's campaign!

Secondly, you get actual MONEY! Unlike those poor draftees who enter service as a private, your PC will start off as an "officer," and will quickly begin recruiting other PCs, which it will command. The more PCs your computer commands, the more cold, hard cash I'll be sending you on a regular basis!

OK, I'll actually be PayPalling you or sending you money orders, but you know what I mean.

So please do yourself a favor and join up today!

(Please note that this business offer is only available on PCs running the Microsoft Windows operating system. This offer may not be combined with any other coupon or Web promotion. Void where prohibited.)

Location: Your Computer
it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

He's Funny! He's Dead! He's the FUNNY DEAD DUCK!!!

2009-11-09T16:25:00.000-08:00

Funny Dead Duck is purely for decorative purposes and is not a toy.
Funny Dead Duck should not be loaded into, or fired from, blunderbuss,
arquebus, or Pig On Wheels.

Thank you for contacting us regarding your problem, which we won't be helping you with.

2009-11-08T21:31:00.000-08:00

Dear MR BRENDAN

Thank you for contacting Panasonic.

We do regret to hear that your product is not operating properly.

Based on the information you have provided, we recommend having the
product checked by an authorized Panasonic service center.

You can visit the following address to find the authorized service
facility in your area.

http://www.pasc.panasonic.com/WhereTo/FindServicer.asp?Pass=1

We hope this information is helpful to you.

Thank You,
Panasonic Consumer Support

Dear Sir or Madam,

It is obvious that NOBODY ON YOUR END BOTHERED TO READ MY PREVIOUS MESSAGE! How do I know this? Well, in my previous message, I specifically stated that I'd attempted to use your Web site to find a Panasonic service center in my area, but that I'd been unable to do so because your site returned the following error message:

"Microsoft VBScript runtime error '800a01f4'

Variable is undefined: 'blnJSWritten'

/WhereTo/SvcrLocFns.asp, line 631 "

So you reply back to me telling me you're sorry my Panasonic product is not working, and you recommend taking it to a Panasonic service center. And then you give me a link to the same, exact Panasonic page which I just told you IS NOT WORKING!

And guess what? IT'S STILL NOT WORKING!

I know this because I just tried again to find a Panasonic service center in my area and got the same error message listed above and listed in my previous message to you.

IF I TYPE IN ALL CAPITAL LETTERS AND USE KEYWORDS SUCH AS "ANGRY" AND "FUCK," IS THERE SOME HOPE THAT THE ALGORITHM READING THIS WILL FLAG MY MESSAGE FOR ATTENTION BY AN ACTUAL HUMAN BEING WHO WILL TAKE THE TIME TO READ MY MESSAGE?

I certainly hope so, but I am not optimistic. To re-state my original problem, in case you're not smart enough to find that message:

I have a Panasonic PV-GS320 camcorder. It needs to be serviced. I live in the San Francisco Bay Area. My zip code is 94044. Kindly direct me to a service center in my area.

Sincerely,

Brendan

UPDATE!

10 November 2009:

Dear MR BRENDAN

Thank you for contacting Panasonic.

Based on the information you have provided, we recommend having the
product checked by an authorized Panasonic service center.

You can visit the following authorized service facility in your area.

DIGITAL SERVICE SOLUTIONS
1155 TRITON DR STE B
FOSTER CITY
CA 94404
650-341-2161

PANASONIC CAMERA AND DIGITAL S
800-211-7262
1590 TOUHY AVE
ELK GROVE VILLAGE
IL 60007

We hope this information is helpful to you.

Thank You,
Panasonic Consumer Support

Dear Sir or Madam,

I am pleasantly surprised to see that in your most recent communique, you have actually provided me with useful information. Did somebody on your end accidently read and comprehend my previous message to you?

Well anyway, it is enormously helpful that you've provided me with the names, addresses, and phone numbers of two authorized Panasonic service centers. The one in Foster City is less than a half-hour's drive from my home, and I think I shall bring my camcorder to them!

I have chosen that facility, because the other one you listed, the one that's in Elk Grove Village, IL, is more than two thousand miles from my home. According to Mapquest, I could make it there in 31.5 hours, but I fear the gasoline cost would be prohibitive.

Plus, I'm sure your service center will need my camcorder for at least a day or two, if not longer, so there's the cost of a hotel stay to consider.

And then, of course, I'd have to figure on another 31.5 hours to drive back home.

Plus there would be wear and tear and depreciation on my car.

So really, of the two options you've given me, I think you'll agree that the Foster City facility is the one I should choose.

Unless...

Do you know something I don't?

Are you subtly trying to tell me that the folks at your Foster City repair center are just as clueless as the algorithms answering your e-mails?

If you're implying that the service in Foster City is so bad that I'm better off driving to Illinois than dealing with them, well, I guess that's something I'll have to think about before I make up my mind for sure where I'm going to go.

Darn.

I really do appreciate the "heads up," but...

I just wish things didn't always have to be so complicated.

Many Thanks,

Brendan

Casual Encounters

2009-11-08T18:35:00.000-08:00

Need a manicure?

2009-11-05T22:32:00.000-08:00

Recently spied in San Francisco.

So Your Son's Into in the Leather Scene?

2009-11-05T21:09:00.000-08:00

But he's not old enough to grow facial hair of his own?

Gotchya covered right here, and for only twenty five cents!

I am reminded of those tee-shirts and bumper-stickers you used to see back in the 1970s which said, "Free Mustache Rides!"

UPDATE!

11 November 2009:

Audio Surveillance?

2009-11-05T21:04:00.000-08:00

Yes, this is a locked liquor cabinet! Explain to me please, why Loss Prevention would want to listen to it. And let's not even talk about the use of extraneous quotation marks.

Don't Be Trippin'!

2009-11-05T21:02:00.001-08:00

Who You Gonna Call? The Pig On Wheels!!!

2009-11-02T19:06:00.000-08:00

I drew this in about five minutes, using a very thick Sharpie. It will only make sense to you if you're currently following the Dick Tracy comic strip.

(For those not discerning enough to be Dick Tracy followers, the Pig on Wheels is a recurring character, of whom the fans keep clamoring for more. Despite this, he receives precious little on-screen time, and remains shrouded in mystery. Kind of like Boba Fett before Lucas let those buffoons feed him to the Sarlacc.)

Cell Phone, circa 1910

2009-10-26T22:31:00.000-07:00

Author, journalist and renegade historian Steve Bartholomew has shared with me the following antiquarian book scans, which depict a working prototype for an early Twentieth Century wireless phone. He writes,

The pictures are from "Wireless Telegraphy & Telephony," pub. 1910. There's a dedication to Nicola Tesla, with a picture of his wireless power generating station. I think the book is an actual collector's item. I originally purchased it for 50 cents, long before you were born.

The device was designed to be worn, rather than carried, and apparently worked more like a two-way radio than a true "telephone" as we now understand the term.

This prototype did, however, exist in an era when communities shared "party lines" on which neighbors could eavesdrop simply by picking up their ear pieces and quietly listening. In light of that, it's fair to say the De Forest wireless telephone was not at all out of step with telephony standards of its day.

Cyber-crimes of our times!

2009-10-19T16:50:00.000-07:00

I recently got a text message from a number I didn't recognize, in the 209 area code (Stockton/Tracy/Modesto):

WHOS THIS?M!SS!N H!M

With some trepidation, thinking it might be some sort of SMS spammer trying to verify good, working numbers, I replied, "Hello, do I know you?"

To which they responded,

U TEXT. ABOUT A PACIFIER. DID I SEND YOU A PIC OF MY BABY? M!SS!N H!M

Why would anybody, let alone me, be sending anybody else a text about a pacifier? Very weird. Maybe this person was trying to get free baby supplies on Craigslist?

Who knows. Modesto is a hotbed of insanity, and Tracy's pretty weird too. I was wandering around there one time, and stumbled across a street named "Gandy Dancer Drive," which I think is just about the fruitiest street name ever. On the plus side, it did prompt my friend to Google "gandy dancer" for me.

So now I know all about gandy dancers.

Next I found myself in a conversation which began with:

nice. whos number is this. i know its haylee but the number?

It seems this person received a picture message from my phone number. Only I never sent such a message, and don't know the person.

I speculated that somebody had used their cellular service provider's Web site to send this person an MMS message from their computer, and mistakenly entered my number in the "from" field, but that's not the case, 'cause she told me she got the same pic five minutes later from her friend Haylee's phone.

I therefore guessed that AT&T's system was just randomly messing up and making it look like other people's text and multimedia messages were originating from my phone. Good thing I've got an unlimited messaging and data plan!

Anyway, this is a nice way of meeting articulate, young girls. Her name was Lily. She asked me how old I was. I answered truthfully, and never heard back from her.

"LOL," as you youngsters like to say.

Within a day or two of this interaction, I received more texts from various people in the 916 (Sacramento) area asking, "Who's this?"

I wrote back explaining that if they happened to receive weird texts or pics from my number, it's 'cause somebody seems to be spoofing my number. That led to the following response:

Yeah. A picture of a small weiner. Who is this tho. Do I know you or are you just sending small weiner pics to random numbers.

Good grief! I suppose some people would be disturbed by this turn of events. At this point, I began to think that I should proactively contact AT&T so there would be a record of my protesting my innocence, like, before they received a bunch of complaints and canceled my service.

So I went to AT&T's site, clicked "contact us" and sent the following message:

Numerous people in the 916 and 209 area codes have been receiving SMS and MMS messages which appear to have come from my phone number. I did NOT send these messages, and the MMS messages contain obscene pictures. Either somebody is "spoofing" my number in the "from" field, or your system is messing up. Please help!

Which led to...

An AT&T Online Specialist has been assigned to your case and will respond to your concern within 2 business days; however, our response may be sooner. We will do our best to exceed your expectations.

And then:

Thank you for taking the time to e-mail AT&T because someone is using your number to send SMS and MMS with obscene photos. My name is (name omitted), and I am happy to help you.

I do apologize that someone is using your number to send SMS and MMS. I want to let you know that our system is fine and everything is running fine. I want to let you know that cloning is not applicable with out [SIC] technology do [SIC] to our phone [SIC] use a SIM card and do not send you're [SIC] your information with calls or text messages. I want to let you know that there may be technology out there that other [SIC] may be able to just randomly choose a number to use as their caller ID and we have no control over that.

Here is some information that you can use to help protect your phone from spying:
? Do not allow your cell phone out of your possession.
? Enable the device keypad lock and periodically change the lock code.
? Enable the SIM pin lock and periodically change the code.
? Enable and periodically change the voicemail password.
? Don't leave the Bluetooth feature on all the time. Only enable it when needed.
? If the device has onboard anti-virus software, perform periodic device scans. (Motorola Q Windows Mobile has McAfee Virus Scan).
? If you believe someone has downloaded spy software to your device: Perform a master reset and master clear.

I see that you have had your AT&T account open since at least 02/23/2005. We definitely appreciate you choosing us as your wireless carrier! I hope that you are enjoying your service thus far and hope that you continue to enjoy the great service AT&T is committed to provide.

We are here to assist you, Bren. I encourage you to visit us at www.att.com/wireless often to view your monthly account statements, make payments and shop for new products and services. We greatly appreciate the opportunity to serve you. Should you have additional concerns or questions about this issue please reply to this email. I hope you will recommend us to family and friends. Once again my name is (name omitted). If you need to contact us again regarding a new issue please send us another email via the contact link through your online account.

Sincerely,

(name omitted)
AT&T
Online Customer Care Professional

Awesome! AT&T, thank you SO MUCH for so promptly solving my problem!

So I wrote back, asking them to please flag my account and make a notation that I'd contacted them regarding this. I also asked them which law-enforcement agency I should contact, and whether they have a specific department or phone number they recommend calling in cases such as this. They wrote back saying...

Dear Bren,

Thank you for taking the time to e-mail AT&T regarding which police agency you should contact regarding your situation. My name is Joe Blow, and I am happy to help you with your inquiry.

I can definitely understand your concern with this matter. My only suggestion is to go to your local police agency and start from there. There is no further information that AT&T is provided with in this circumstance.

I hope that the information provided has been helpful. Should you have additional concerns or questions about this issue, please reply to this email. If you need to contact us again regarding a new issue, please send us another email via the contact link through your online account. Again my name is Heywood Jablome and I thank you for being a valued AT&T customer since before 2005. We will do our best to ensure that your wireless experience is a success.

I encourage you to visit our web site (www.att.com/wireless) often to view current and previous monthly statements, make payments and to shop for new product and service offerings.

Sincerely,

Joe Schmoe
AT&T
Online Customer Care Professional

To which I responded,

Thanks Joe,

You did not, however, address the first question in my previous e-mail. Here again, is that question:

"First of all, can you please make a notation or "flag" in my account
to make it clear that I've contacted AT&T regarding this? My concern
is that if any of the victims who've received these obscene messages
were to complain to AT&T or to the police, I wouldn't want my account
with you to be jeopardized or my service cut off."

Kind Regards,

Bren

Which generated the following enormously helpful response:

Dear Bren,

Thank you for contacting AT&T because you would like us to notate or flag your account to make it clear that you have contacted AT&T in regards [SIC] the messages that are believed to have been sent from you [SIC] device. I understand that you are concerned that if any of the victims who received these obscene messages were to complain to AT&T or the police, you would not wish for your account to be jeopardized or have your service cut off. My name is (irrelevant, because each time you write back, the reply from us is authored by a different nameless, faceless, indifferent employee who is not empowered to solve your problem) and I am here to assist you with your concern.

Every interaction that is had via telephone or e-mail is noted in your account. However, per your request, I have notated the information you have provided in your account. If you are concerned that legal action may be taken by the receiving parties, you may wish to contact your local law enforcement regarding this issue.

This is a friendly reminder that you currently have a past due balance of $ 186.68 that was due on 10/15/2009. Once your account is past due, it is susceptible to immediate interruption, a late fee of 1.5% of the outstanding balance may apply, and there may be a potential $36.00 restoral [SIC] fee assessed.

To make a payment online:

1. From the myWireless account home page, under the bill & payments section click on the make a payment button.
2. Enter the payment amount.
3. Select the payment method.
4. Confirm your payment details and select Submit. Note: By clicking the "submit" button, the customer is agreeing to the terms and conditions.

AT&T will begin charging a payment administrative fee of $5.00 for customers who opt to not utilize self-service payment options to process a payment and instead make a payment with a phone representative or store sales representative.

You can even make a payment by dialing *PAY, then "Call."

To avoid suspension of your account, you may want to consider setting up a payment arrangement. This will allow you time to make your payment and will prevent your account from going in to a suspended status until the payment arrangement is due. If you would like to set up a payment arrangement, please call our customer care department at 1-800-331-0500 or 611 from your cell phone. The hours of operations are Monday through Friday 7:00am to 10:00 pm, Saturday and Sunday 9:00 am to 7:00 pm MST.

Mr. Bren, I hope that the information provided has been helpful and has addressed all of your questions. Should you have additional concerns or questions about this issue please reply to this email. If you need to contact us again regarding a new issue please send us another email via the contact link through your online account. Again, my name is (completely immaterial, because, as previously stated, you will not be hearing from me again), and I thank you for being a valued AT&T customer since at least February of 2005. We will do our best to ensure that your wireless experience is a success.

I encourage you to visit our web site (www.att.com/wireless) often to view current and previous monthly statements, make payments and to shop for new product and service offerings.

Sincerely,

(Your most recent customer service one-night-stand. Was it good for you?)
AT&T
Online Customer Care Professional

And then there was a link to a survey I could fill out to let them know how satisfied I am with this interaction.

The bill's been paid, by the way.

I clicked the link so I could fill out the satisfaction survey. That led me to the following page:

Maintenance In Progress

AT&T is continually working to improve our internet site for our customers. As part of this ongoing effort, we are currently doing maintenance. We apologize for this inconvenience and ask that you please try back again later.
akm1

© 2008 AT&T Knowledge Ventures. All rights reserved. AT&T and the AT&T logo are trademarks of AT&T Knowledge Ventures

I've been advised by somebody whose father works for the FBI that I should phone the FBI office in Los Angeles and not even bother with local police, as they really aren't equipped to handle this sort of thing.

Somewhere out there, whoever's doing this to me is blissfully unaware that the only thing standing between them and federal cops is my own shocking degree of laziness.

Tiger Tracy

2009-10-03T02:47:00.000-07:00

Dick Tiger

2009-10-02T07:08:00.000-07:00

Ye Gods, I've created yet another Dick Tracy parody/manipulation! If you're a follower of the Dick Tracy comic strip, you'll understand why this is funny:

To view all of my Dick Tracy alterations and parodies, please be sure to click the "Older Posts" link at the bottom of this page.

Thank you.

Is There Room for Spicy Language in the Marital Bed?

2009-09-22T04:41:00.000-07:00

The most recent e-mail newsletter from Dr. Laura Schlesinger asks that very question, saying,

Some love to hear it, some love to say it. Some don't like it at all. In today's video on The Dr. Laura YouTube Channel, Dr. Laura addresses the sensitive topic of using spicy language during intimate relations with your spouse.

How quaint.

I was all set to make fun of this, but watching the video, I can't help but find the good doctor kind of endearing. She's not as prudish as one might expect, given her status as America's religious conservative moral compass.

See for yourself:

Dr. Laura Says "Go ahead and get nasty!"

Are You Ready for Some Tailgating!?

2009-09-19T23:37:00.000-07:00

101 MPH Test Drive Ends in Tragedy

That guy really messed up.

Regarding the video:

Given that the fatal crash was a rear-ender, there's a bit of unintentional, ghoulish humor in the fact that the video begins with a Kroger's ad which loudly asks, "Are you ready for some TAILGATING?"

For spectacular, gruesome pics of the ruined sheetmetal, here's a Cardomain article:

Messed Up Metal

(Note: The Cardomain entry erroneously describes the accident as a head-on collision. In fact, the Charger seems to have impacted the Sable from the rear.)

Fuck You, Evony!

2009-09-18T02:35:00.000-07:00

As if their ad campaign wasn't already stupid enough, now they've abandoned all pretense of having the women dressed in medieval fantasy clothes.

This stuff is too amateurish to be the work of any reputable advertising agency. Not that we've learned to expect good things from ad agencies, but if the jackasses responsible for Evony actually paid an expert to come up with these concepts, that was money wasted. They could have saved a bundle and just had some 4Chan pervert-boy design their banners.

I hate you, Evony!

Stupidity Alert!

2009-09-18T01:17:00.000-07:00

UK Online Store Condemned for Selling Pole-Dancing Toy

Note: This is not the pole-dancing doll you've already seen making the rounds on the Internet.

First of all, the article's photograph of the Gallimore family looking so grim, as if they've been horribly violated, is just laughably melodramatic.

Secondly, who is this Dr. Adrian Rogers? Is he a real doctor, or does he have a "Dr." in front of his name because he happens to have earned a doctorate degree in something dodgy, such as "divinity?"

Regardless, his statements about the potential of this product to ruin children's lives are absurd.

I am especially amused by his statement that a dancer's pole is "interpreted in the adult world as a phallic symbol."

Maybe it's a phallic symbol in his dirty mind, but to the rest of us, it's just a pole.

Go Ahead, Draw Attention to Yourself!

2009-09-14T04:04:00.001-07:00

I scanned this in from the December 1983 issue of Electronic Games magazine:

Click the above thumbnail to enlarge.

Political Cartoon

2009-09-14T03:55:00.000-07:00

Here is a political cartoon I created back in 2006. At the time there were an awful lot of war cheerleaders spouting all manner of hypocritical nonsense on the AM talk radio shows. As always, please click on the thumbnail to enlarge:

The Electric Kool Aid Dick Tracy Test

2009-09-13T17:38:00.000-07:00

Before:

After:

As always, please click the above thumbnails to enlarge.

More Dick Tracy Shenanigans

2009-09-13T17:31:00.000-07:00

Here's a recent, incomprehensible installment of Dick Tracy (kindly click the thumbnail to enlarge):

A commenter on GoComics.com had previously speculated that the strip never makes sense, and has glaring, bizarre continuity errors, because the creator's assistant at some point dropped the pages on the floor, then hurriedly put them back together as best she could, and submitted them in the wrong order.

Based on this theory, a commenter by the name of Cougar Allen suggested the following:

Remember about the secretary dropping the strips and failing at trying to put them in order? Looks like each panel of today’s strip was on a separate page….

For hours of amusement: Print out today’s strip, cut it up into panels, and see if you can reassemble the panels into an order that makes sense.

No fair putting two wide panels next to each other, or two narrow ones – your re-ordered comic must fit into the same space as the original.

-Cougar :{)

P.S. If you don’t have a printer you can do the same thing in Photoshop.

Which I have done. Observe how, with a little re-arranging, the strip suddenly makes sense:

Dick Tracy Parody

2009-09-13T17:06:00.000-07:00

I recently began following the daily Dick Tracy comic strip, because its abominable art, inane writing, and complete lack of continuity have lead to the creation of a very lively community of snarky commenters. See for yourself:

http://www.gocomics.com/dicktracy/

I am so inspired by this that I've created my own Dick Tracy parody (in case you happen to be unfamiliar with the actual Dick Tracy in its current form, please note that the hideously misshapen hands, continuity errors, and copy-pasted, recycled panels in my strip are all intentional):

Please click the above thumbnails to enlarge.

Tattooed Swedish Devil Girls Strike Again! Second Male Bicyclist Sexually Molested!

2009-09-13T16:36:00.000-07:00

I really hate blogs.

Blogs suck. I hate almost everything about them, especially the fact that every damned blogger out there feels the need to incessantly fill their blog posts with links to other blogs. This can be very exhausting, because any given blog post will generally have some sensationalistic headline that grabs your eye under false pretenses, such as "Tattooed Swedish Devil Girls Strike Again! Second Male Bicyclist Sexually Molested!"

So you read the damned blog entry, and it only gives you a little taste of the story, because the blogger himself is far too lazy to actually write something of substance. Instead, they briefly summarize the non-event referenced in the headline and then provide you with multiple links. This is very aggravating, because the sources to which they link inevitably do the same damned thing! So just in trying to follow one story, you find yourself bouncing all over the cursed Internet.

What a waste of time!

To bloggers everywhere, I have this to say:

FUCK YOU!